Day 1: Leaving our vacation home. Friend says, "oh you should take some of this food since you're driving." She packs away some ripe bananas for me. Ugh. I hate fruit.
Day 2: Look at bananas now sitting on counter. Looking at bit brown now. Channel my mother and think to self, "Self, you need to make banana bread so that food doesn't go to waste." Fail to channel self and recognize actual cost of bananas.
Day 3: Bananas looking bad. Say to husband, "Husband, we need to make banana bread with these, they're going bad." Check the cabinet - shortening expired in 2006. Channel my mother again while I consider using 3 year expired food product. Good sense returns. Throw in trash. Add to shopping list. Discover expired baking soda. Add to list. No flour. No sugar. Add all to list. Husband shops. I procrastinate. Bananas get worse.
Day 4: Bananas start to melt into counter. Get off ass to make bread. Combine all ingredients in bowl. Proud of self. Take hand mixer & bowl into bathroom. Mix with door shut as not to wake child. (This is what people in 1100 sq feet do.) Put in oven. Set timer for 1 hour.
52 minutes later. Writing this blog post. Think to self, "I don't think I recall putting sugar into that bowl. Was sugar supposed to go in that bowl?" Check recipe. F*ck forgot sugar.
So let's tally up the carnage:
To save 3 melting bananas (that weren't even mine), I...
1. bought a giant tub of shortening that will likely expire and collect dust in my cabinets for the next 4 years.
2. bought baking soda which is essentially useless unless you bake, which I clearly do not.
3. bought flour which I also rarely use and will likely be tossed in our next move.
June Cleaver, I am not.
Showing posts with label cooking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cooking. Show all posts
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday, October 8, 2007
Plungers Rock!
My cousin came over for dinner last night. He saved me from an evil eye infection while I was in San Francisco by calling in a prescription. The least I can do is make him dinner. He's also a bachelor and I have visions of him eating out every night or ordering take out so I feel compelled to cook for him. This is probably not even close to the truth but it gives me an excuse to have company come for dinner.
I asked what he wanted me to make and he decided on spaghetti bolognese. Hmmm, never made it but I figured what the hell. This better be good after the mess I knew I was about to make. My dear husband decided to go to a German/American beer tasting event. He left and told me he would be home in two hours.
1PM: Start of the sauce is in the saute pan. Used half a brick of butter - no wonder these things always taste so good. Sliced into thumb nail, took brief interlude to cut remainder of nail off.
2PM: Did something with tomatoes in a blender. Too many pots and pans on the stove. Slightly out of control. Large quantities of veal and pork added.
3PM: Sauce mooshed together. Husband was still at the beer tasting and called to tell me he had managed to get far drunker than anticipated. Hung up, started caramelizing onions.
4PM: Attempted to cut ridiculously small organic carrots & parsnips diagonally. Gave up and busted out mandolin. A very nice warning on the blade told me that I should proceed with caution because it is very sharp. Cut other thumb nail, took second break to cut remainder of last thumbnail off. Dump mess of veggies in ziplock to marinate.
Took shower to remove kitchen funk from myself.
5PM: Pulled veggie mess out of ziplock to begin layering. Recipe called for fennel - no fennel at the Whole Foods. Decided to do a carrot/parsnip ensemble instead. Threw in some Anise seeds - that sort of tastes like fennel - right? Realized garbage disposal was shooting water in the wrong direction. Stuck a hand in the disposal, pulled out carrot and parsnip mess. Still no luck. Called maintenance. Apparently this is not an emergency and it will wait until tomorrow. Don't they know I'm TRYING TO COOK! Sent text message to husband: "u better not show up drunk 5 mins before dinner or you're going to be very hungry tonight". Realized I smell like garlic.
6PM: No husband yet. Preheating oven for veggie mess. OCD kicked in. Desperately wanted to wash 5 qt saute pan. Considering bathtub. Husband arrived and started snacking in the fridge. Put veggie mess in the oven. Realized I'd used the wrong cheese in the veggie mess. Crap. Decide to wash pan in bathtub. Managed to get sauce funk on shower curtain. Double Crap. Husband started nagging because he wanted to make beef stock. (He enjoys choosing the most opportune times to do things that drive me crazy) At wits end, I told him he's not going in "my kitchen" to make a mess while I'm trying to cook and guest is arriving in one hour. He replied that it's "his kitchen" as well and that if I wanted my own kitchen I should have married someone who doesn't like to cook. I tell him I will kill him if he sets foot in there. He decided he would rather take a nap on the couch.
7PM: Cousin arrived, ate dinner. Bolognese sauce wasn't half bad. Declared edible by cousin and husband.
8PM: Sink situation was driving me mad. Kitchen looked like a bomb went off in it. Dishwasher was stuffed. Retrieved plunger from closet. Began plunging sink. A few minutes later a disgusting sucking sound came out of sink and it immediately drained. I rejoiced. Immediately began to obsess over fact that plunger was in kitchen sink. Disinfected everything in 4 foot radius of plunger activity.
I learned something new about myself. I take great joy in that sucking whirling sound. I was able to sleep soundly knowing that I didn't have 10lbs of dirty dishes and stagnant water in my kitchen.
I asked what he wanted me to make and he decided on spaghetti bolognese. Hmmm, never made it but I figured what the hell. This better be good after the mess I knew I was about to make. My dear husband decided to go to a German/American beer tasting event. He left and told me he would be home in two hours.
1PM: Start of the sauce is in the saute pan. Used half a brick of butter - no wonder these things always taste so good. Sliced into thumb nail, took brief interlude to cut remainder of nail off.
2PM: Did something with tomatoes in a blender. Too many pots and pans on the stove. Slightly out of control. Large quantities of veal and pork added.
3PM: Sauce mooshed together. Husband was still at the beer tasting and called to tell me he had managed to get far drunker than anticipated. Hung up, started caramelizing onions.
4PM: Attempted to cut ridiculously small organic carrots & parsnips diagonally. Gave up and busted out mandolin. A very nice warning on the blade told me that I should proceed with caution because it is very sharp. Cut other thumb nail, took second break to cut remainder of last thumbnail off. Dump mess of veggies in ziplock to marinate.
Took shower to remove kitchen funk from myself.
5PM: Pulled veggie mess out of ziplock to begin layering. Recipe called for fennel - no fennel at the Whole Foods. Decided to do a carrot/parsnip ensemble instead. Threw in some Anise seeds - that sort of tastes like fennel - right? Realized garbage disposal was shooting water in the wrong direction. Stuck a hand in the disposal, pulled out carrot and parsnip mess. Still no luck. Called maintenance. Apparently this is not an emergency and it will wait until tomorrow. Don't they know I'm TRYING TO COOK! Sent text message to husband: "u better not show up drunk 5 mins before dinner or you're going to be very hungry tonight". Realized I smell like garlic.
6PM: No husband yet. Preheating oven for veggie mess. OCD kicked in. Desperately wanted to wash 5 qt saute pan. Considering bathtub. Husband arrived and started snacking in the fridge. Put veggie mess in the oven. Realized I'd used the wrong cheese in the veggie mess. Crap. Decide to wash pan in bathtub. Managed to get sauce funk on shower curtain. Double Crap. Husband started nagging because he wanted to make beef stock. (He enjoys choosing the most opportune times to do things that drive me crazy) At wits end, I told him he's not going in "my kitchen" to make a mess while I'm trying to cook and guest is arriving in one hour. He replied that it's "his kitchen" as well and that if I wanted my own kitchen I should have married someone who doesn't like to cook. I tell him I will kill him if he sets foot in there. He decided he would rather take a nap on the couch.
7PM: Cousin arrived, ate dinner. Bolognese sauce wasn't half bad. Declared edible by cousin and husband.
8PM: Sink situation was driving me mad. Kitchen looked like a bomb went off in it. Dishwasher was stuffed. Retrieved plunger from closet. Began plunging sink. A few minutes later a disgusting sucking sound came out of sink and it immediately drained. I rejoiced. Immediately began to obsess over fact that plunger was in kitchen sink. Disinfected everything in 4 foot radius of plunger activity.
I learned something new about myself. I take great joy in that sucking whirling sound. I was able to sleep soundly knowing that I didn't have 10lbs of dirty dishes and stagnant water in my kitchen.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Finding a New Outlet for my Obsession with Kitchen Stuff
Here is a list, for no apparent reason, of some of my most favorite kitchen & kitchen related things. Keeping in mind that I am not trained, have managed to cut myself on more than one occasion and I have a problem with compulsively buying kitchen gadgets. Perhaps this is a way for me to feed my kitchen obsession without buying more stuff that doesn't fit in the drawers. Please feel free to add your favorites!
The 40001 Zester (left)
Sounds super fancy and is hands down the best zester, grater thingy I've ever used. I've never taken off skin with this thing and it's scary accurate. Put these in the stockings last year for my mother and sister.
The Smooth Edge Can Opener
Forced to go to a Pampered Chef Party? Here's something to buy so you don't have to feel bad. Again, no more tetanus shots necessary. I can run that can lid along my wrist without having to call 911!
Forced to go to a Pampered Chef Party? Here's something to buy so you don't have to feel bad. Again, no more tetanus shots necessary. I can run that can lid along my wrist without having to call 911!
The Classic Cheese Grater
No more cutting knuckles on the big metal grater when trying to grate Parmesan. (Are you getting the sense I'm prone to accidents?) Ours also came with a nifty attachment to collect the cheese and just pop a cap on it and put it in the fridge. Brilliant!
Metal Gear Corkscrew (right)
Someone gave this to us as a gift and being a wine key girl I scoffed at the idea that I needed a complicated opener. This thing is superfast and comes with a nifty foil remover. I'll save the wine key for picnics.
The Wine Saver (left)
Feel like not finishing that bottle you just opened? No problem. This thing helps you keep your wine tasting as good as the moment you opened it for a few more days.
The Pineapple Slicer (right)
Sounds useless, doesn't it? I like pineapple, i hate cutting it. This thing lets you cut an entire pineapple in a giant perfect ring in less than 10 seconds. No mess and you get a glass of juice at the end too!
This magazine is like a feeding frenzy for kitchen gadget people. Every issue has reviews for everything from dutch ovens to whisks. You can't help but love a test kitchen. It only comes out every other month so it's almost impossible to let them accumulate without reading them. Who knew you could be so excited about something that costs more and is less? Next time you see it in line at the Whole 
Foods, pick up a copy....you know you want to.
Foods, pick up a copy....you know you want to.I defected to Gourmet for a little while but found the recipes too involved and time consuming. I also tried Cooking Light, but something about trying to make things low calorie kills the fun. This magazine however is single handedly responsible for giving my family and friends the mistaken idea that I can cook!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
