It's funny how things never happen the way you would like them to happen. Or maybe they happen how they should and we're just all idiots who don't want what's good for us. Either way, I've spent the last 6 days jacked on Percocet so perhaps this is just one giant drug induced Ginsberg crazy moment.
Despite my crusade for a non-medical birth I had the most medical birth possible. It all started with my bionic uterus and the fact that the cervix was doing nothing. And then nothing. And then more of nothing. For 10 days past my due date it was on strike. On day 10 they decided to try to smoke her out. Introducing....the super tampon. So super was this tampon that it did...you guessed it - nothing. We decided to try one other drug and as predicted, it did absolutely nothing.
It was at this point that my OB noted that people who are most disappointed in their birth experiences are those that try every drug in the book, spend 2 days in pain and then end up exhausted and have a section anyhow. I consider myself a logical person. If you tell me that most people respond to a drug and those that do not respond likely end up with a C Section, well then statistically speaking I will probably be one of those people.
So I cut my losses and we were off to what Dr. Dave refers to as "the party". I guess if you have to be sliced open you want the guy who thinks it's a party to be doing the cutting. Of course husband used the new little Flip to film her arrival. His exact quote was, "I didn't film them cutting you open, just the part where there was a head sticking out of your stomach.". Awesome. I have not watched it yet. When you've been stitched up like a Thanksgiving turkey it's nice to remain blissfully unaware of what actually caused all the pain.
In case you were wondering, the party kind of sucked. The spinal made me feel like someone was sitting on my chest. There was no blissful moment when I looked at my child. I only wanted air in my lungs. I was assured by the nice man who made me feel like a paraplegic that this was totally normal. I don't recall those people on TLC having breathing problems.... They gave me some serious pain meds. I suspect it was morphine. I apparently sent a delusional email to my friend the next morning while totally high out of my mind.
The hospital was everything I thought it was going to be - hell. Scary roommate #1 who was eventually replaced with the "Jesus loves me" roommate. I felt somehow robbed that a bunch of evangelicals weren't praying over my child and for the speedy recovery of my hoo ha. The nurses were generally a mixed bag. I had two that were ok, one that was the devil and my girl Sherrie who saved my from self destruction. Sherrie found me the morning after the devil took care of me. I was off my pain meds (the devil forgot to ask me if I wanted any) and out of my mind. Think hysterical woman with hysterical child and neither has had any sleep. Sherrie introduced me to two Percocet every four hours. Sherrie is my friend.
I'm now home and managing. My mother is staying with us for a little over a week. She has convinced me that I need to be walking around air drying my nipples between feedings. I feel like a strange modern version of National Geographic in nursing pyjamas. I am now a slave to a crazed 8 lb 14 oz milk drinker. I think she might be mean. I wonder where she gets it....