I was reading back through David Sedaris pieces in the New Yorker and I came across
“The Way we Are”. This particular piece got me thinking about roles in relationships. He talks about how people want to know who is the “man” and who is the “woman” in his partnership. (
And not just the dirty way you’re thinking!) I started to wonder if there are still people out there that adhere to gender roles? What is this? 1952!
Back in the day, my grandfather was the man of the house. He did man’s work and my grandmother did woman’s work. My grandmother washed and ironed. My grandfather mowed the lawn and fixed stuff around the house. My grandmother cooked and cleaned. My grandfather went to work, while she stayed home with the children. Never shall the two cross the gender lines.
Mommom put out three meals a day and dessert. Every day. Seriously…without exception. Brunch was a non-starter in her household. In fact, if you woke up at 10AM and ate something, you were expected to eat again at noon. Hunger was irrelevant, it’s the clock that matters.
Now that my grandmother is at my parents house I think she’s a little confused. My parents eat early, eat late, sometimes eat once a day. If you eat after 7PM she says things like, “
Well whadya know, we’re eating like rich people!”. In the event you are confused (
don’t feel bad, I was as well), she’s of the belief that rich people eat later than their less fortunate counterparts. Perhaps this was true when working folk went to bed early to get up at the ass crack of dawn to work in the fields. Now I think most people don’t eat until 7 because more than 80% of us are two income households and aren’t home to start dinner until after 6ish anyway. I think lately the schedule irregularities have led her to eat all the time. My mother has started hiding her Activia Yogurt since Mommom consumes about 8 a day (
she thinks they’re pudding). I don’t want to know what 8 Activias do to your digestion - it’s best not to speculate.
As you may recall, over the Christmas holiday I stayed at my parent’s house. I was late for the wedding we were attending that day and was ironing my dress like a woman with her hair on fire when my grandmother commented to my husband, “
She’s a good girl, she certainly isn’t lazy, is she?”. Apparently laziness is a very bad quality in a wife. Lazy wives were probably the ones that didn’t scrub floors on their hands and knees or welcome their husbands with martinis at the door at 5 o’clock each evening. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
My parents were a little less traditional. My mother went back to work when we were older. My father cooked breakfast on the weekends and washed the dishes most evenings while my mother dried them. We had a cleaning lady when my mom was working. Since my father retired he now does most of the laundry and cleans.
My husband and I are decidedly non traditional. We divide household duties not by gender roles but rather by who hates a particular activity less or who doesn’t suck at it. I don’t mind dusting, he dislikes it. He doesn’t iron well, I do. He doesn’t mind laundry, I’m not so fond. I don’t like cleaning toilets, he tolerates it. We both like cooking so we share. He has an interest in decorating choices (
I’m not sure if this can be considered progression. It’s more annoying than anything else. It makes me wish he liked soccer so he had something to distract him away from furniture choices.) If a situation calls for sweet talking, it’s all him. Since I’m the mean one with the razor sharp tongue, I handle laying the smack down.
And here’s the bad news – sometimes he does my stuff and sometimes I do his and for anything that isn’t “officially” on the unofficial list we make a list and divide up the chores.
I know what you’re thinking – “
Oh my god, you both are so progressive! You guys are our heroes! A shining example of how to share responsibility.” Yea, not really. Think about your office – if it’s not someone’s “job” to do something then no one feels responsibility to get it done because no one wants to spend time doing something that’s not their job. There’s also a decided lack of leadership since we’re “equal partners”. Sort of explains the general mess in our house.
Perhaps we need a chore list. We can give ourselves gold stars every week when we complete them. I like gold stars. Hmmmm…that brings back memories. You know what, my sister and I did housework every week. Now that I think about it, this was perhaps my mother’s solution to her own work. My household growing up was like a 3rd world country without child labor laws. My sister and I were easy pickins.
Apparently gender roles serve a purpose – it kept the family unit humming. Everyone knew their job and did it. I think someone didn’t think through this feminism thing before they started blowing apart the nuclear family structure.
I can hear it now.
“
You stupid tart, are you suggesting that you should be scrubbing floors and making pies instead of climbing the executive ladder? You are a disgrace to all women, everywhere. We’re going to beat you to death with our very practical feminist shoes while we smother you with our armpit hair!”
Put down the shoe you hairy behemoth! What I’m actually suggesting is that someone needs to be in charge and someone needs to be responsible for the household chores. We can pay someone to clean the house and I can be in charge (
in charge = write a check on a bi weekly basis because my husband doesn’t like being in charge of paying bills).
So what have we learned from this really long ramble?
1. Martinis are best at 5 o’clock
2. Don’t over eat something that’s intended to “regulate” your digestive system
3. Gold stars are cool
4. Have children or adopt from a 3rd world country – they’re both cheap labor
5. Write a check every 2 weeks so you don’t have to live in a cyclone
Picture credits (mostly): http://www.porthalcyon.com/features/200409/housewives.shtml
