Monday, July 23, 2007

Michael Vick, what a dope

So most of you know I'm not jumping at the chance to be a dog owner, but that certainly doesn't mean I want to see them mauled and dead. Plus this guy should have left well enough alone. Couldn't he find something better to do with his millions that running a dog fighting ring on his property? Anyway, here's a chance to teach him some respect for life. Hurt him in the pocket.

So between saving whales and streaking naked for a cause (kidding of course...), the humane society has set up a nifty little feature on their website where you can put in minimal information and send an email to both Nike's CEO and the NFL to give this guy a much needed smack in the head.

Maybe next time he'll be a little more responsible with his money & property.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Sex, STDs & Misuse of Office Resources

I usually refrain from doing this during the workday because I like being employed and I would really like to retain said employment. I will make an exception today because several strange things have happened that led me to believe people have lost their frickin' minds.

Strange Incident 1 aka the Handicapped Bathroom.
There are handicapped bathrooms on each floor of our office building. There are also larger multi stall bathrooms as well. Most of us opt to use the handicapped bathrooms because they don't remind us of bathrooms from our youth – ie. high school. Seriously, they smell the same way my high school bathroom did. I don't know if it's cleanser, the old nasty floor or what, but it's like a flashback to good 'ole PAHS (with the possible exception that I'm not hiding in the stall smoking during English class). In any event, these handicapper bathrooms see a lot of action on a daily basis. (Read: lots of people use them, they're not super secret hiding places) Given this fact it seems like an odd choice for a little "afternoon delight". That is in fact exactly what some chippie and her boss decided to use it for. Not once, not twice but three times. (And those are just the times they GOT CAUGHT). There they are having a good time and some poor person comes over to pee. They try the door, it's locked and there are some distinct noises coming from behind the door. Being the no-fun-nelly they are, they call security. Security comes up with a key and viola!

This is shocking and strange on many levels – first, since when is it ever ok to shag your brains out in the handicapper bathroom in the middle of the day with your boss? Next, isn't getting your swerve on during work hours considered a fireable offense – seriously, how is this benefiting the shareholders? Third, if you gotta do it, can't you keep it quiet so people just think you're in there for a long time because you have a stomach flu? And lastly, how does that old saying go – first time, shame on you; second time, shame on me – who on earth is taking the shame for the third time? (My money is on HR)

The lesson learned here. Work is for work and after work is for your tawdry affairs with co-workers. Combining the two will eventually lead to loss of work and likely loss of your affair (after all, who wants to have an affair with someone unemployed…seriously.)

Strange Incident 2 aka the Printer in the Hallway.

Like many offices we have network printers. That means they're networked. For those of us non-technical folks that means that everyone has access to them, including, but not limited to the IT guys who have logs of the documents you print (hence earlier stated paranoia about big brother). This of course doesn't stop people from printing their personal crap on the printer anyway. Pictures of your kids, directions to your friend's house, articles about entertainment, homes for sale…you get the picture.

You can imagine my surprise when I walked up to the printer and found a print out, right next to my meeting deck, on Human papillomavirusus (HPV). Now many of you might be thinking, "what's the big deal, I see those commercials on TV all the time – it's the virus that causes cancer!" I love TV, catchy advertising, wheee – you are so right, it does! What they fail to mention in those happy little commercials is that HPV is really just the medical term for that snazzy little sexually transmitted disease called warts. (Are we starting to see why printing this particular stuff out at work might not be a good idea?) So now I'm standing at the printer having a dilemma – do I wait to see who comes to retrieve it?

Then I thought about it.…. What if they're unstable? They see me here, they know I saw it, they assume I'm now running around wildly telling everyone and in their distress over the idea that everyone in the office now thinks they're a dirty swamp of STDs they come after me and kill me in a blind rage. It's ok though because ultimately they plead temporary insanity and I'm sure HR supports them because those HR people are sharp! I end up just another statistic on deranged office murder. Do you think I would get my own special on Court TV? Anyway, I left.

The lesson learned here. You really don't want to know who printed that because it could kill you and they probably use the handicapper bathroom too…..