Thursday, November 19, 2009

Drive Time with Hitler

Wow - time flies when you are not having fun. I haven't posted since October 5th. It's November 19th. This is a whole new level of ass sucking.

So let me bring you up to speed. Since my last post, my significant other and I have...

  1. Bought a house in the burbs.
  2. Bought an SUV (technically a crossover, but they just call it that so you don't have to say you own an SUV)
  3. Bought a King size bed
  4. Bought a leaf blower
  5. Had an actual land line installed
  6. Had a leak under the sink
  7. Had a leak in the roof
  8. Do not have an oven because it is broken and I am about to go postal with the oven repair company (I will save this for a later post because if I talk about it I might have to throw the computer across the room)

Aside from the obvious implications of all this (we're dead to our city friends and we can't afford to leave the house) we're getting along.

The first week of my new commute into the city was a Septa strike. This means that every retard in the tri-state area was on the road attempting to cut one another off. It also meant that I had to spend upwards of 2 hours in a car with a screaming child. I tried feeding her the evening bottle to shut her up. That lasted about 2.5 minutes while she sucked it down with the efficiency of a Hoover then returned to the screaming.

During the strike I drove several co-workers home over the week. The tiny crazy woman in the backseat was in rare form.

My co-worker: Don't you have any children's music or something?
Me: No
My co-worker: We should sing something.
Me: Like what?
My co-worker: You know, that song about the animals.
Me: What the F are you talking about?
My co-worker: You know that "ee i ee i oh" song
Me: Right, ok.

Thus started the singing of some of the worst sounding Old MacDonald you have ever heard. We periodically stopped to consult one another on animal noises and argue about whether or not a cat was technically a farm animal and when we ran out, we sang The Wheels on the Bus. And when that gravy train ended... we listened to screaming.

It was then that I realized that I did have children's music, by accident, on my iPod. The Husband's aunt sent us some German children's music. It was like turning off a light switch. The minute you put it on, the backseat is silenced. The only problem is it sounds like the Vienna Boy's Choir so I've taken to referring to it as the Hitler Youth Orchestra.

So EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. I listen to this music. Then, EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I listen to it again. I'm starting to hear this shit in my sleep.

This one is particularly catchy and this kid does a pretty close approximation....

Anyone who ever complained about children's music never had to hear that EVERY DAY, TWICE A DAY.

Good lord, here's the actual CD on YouTube. Please take a listen - this is my commute.

I don't think I need to say any more. I accept cash donations to pay for the ear surgery I will surely need.