Friday, November 21, 2008

Sweet Valley High Anyone?

I have an embarrassing story to tell.

So I'm very bad at bringing books to the airport with me so I usually have to schlep over to the Hudson News and buy one before I go to my gate. Yes I know this is a total waste of money. Nine times out of ten it's some lousy book that I don't remember 10 minutes after I finish it, but the point is that it kept me occupied on the flight.

There are roughly 4 types of books in the airport book store:
1. The Self Help books - and you seriously need some if you're buying that shit in the airport.
2. The God books - this is all inclusive of "I hate God", "I found God", "God Loves You Too" and generally anything with the word Enlightenment in the title. These could also be written by someone famous or sort of famous like that creepy Osteen guy. (I suspect he's really an alien like the people on V - tell me that smile doesn't scream, "I'm really a reptile hiding in a rubber human suit.")
3. The Pseudo Business books - think...7 Habits of Highly Effective People only really, really bad. These may also be written by vaguely famous people whom you care nothing about.
4. The Romance books

I hate the first three so I'm stuck with Romance. I further sub-categorize these into Woman Romance and Man Romance. I think we're all familiar with the former - two people with seemingly impossible odds meet and have serious sexual tension, they can't be together, they shouldn't be together, they do it (must involve pages and pages of narrative about how good the sex is), they profess their undying love, then tragically one of them manages to screw something up (alternate plot line - 3rd party screws something up and causes huge ridiculous misunderstanding), they separate and all looks lost until....they realize they must be together and reunite to live happily ever after. Amen.

The Man Romance is cleverly disguised as spy thrillers, military books & mystery novels. Invariably they follow the same plot line only they include action scenes, guns, gadgets and typically the females involved are hot, in distress and need to be saved by the male character (must involve pages and pages of narrative about how hot the female character is, however sex is covered in roughly a single sentence). Amen.

Infrequently I find a book that doesn't suck. This is what happened when, quite by accident, I picked up Twilight. I knew nothing about it other than the book blurb looked not-sucky. I liked it alot. Probably a little more than I should have. I think I may have reread the ending more than once. I was a little sad when there was nothing left to read.

This is where it gets embarrassing.

My mother sees the book sitting on my entry table and says, "Hey, is this that book that all those 13 year old girls are going crazy over at the mall?". Hmmmmm. Apparently the answer is yes. Much like Harry Potter, this is one of those books that is designed for the "tween" set yet loser adults like me all over the country are reading it anyway. I had absolutely no idea. I'll admit to being a Harry Potter fan without any embarrassment. Somehow this seems slightly less respectable - teen vampire romance? Seriously, what is wrong with me? Apparently my reading comprehension is roughly 7th grade.

This is where it gets really embarrassing.

I discovered today that there are 3 more books in the series. I went to Amazon and bought them all. I think I'm secretly a 13 year old girl and I don't care what any of you have to say.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Rednecks and Uncooperative Children In Utero

Yes I've been MIA.  I would blame it on pregnancy but I think it's more about me being lazy than anything else.  I'll do my best to bring you up to speed.

A few weekends ago we went to the Punkin Chunkin in lower Delaware.  Otherwise known as slower Delaware.  Just to be clear, this is a description of the people there, not the pace of living.  Some of you may recall that this was the activity that my sister and brother-in-law chose for our Christmas gift.  It was a nice day and we had a good time watching them launch pumpkins out of air canons.  There were people there that had one tooth.  

We decided that white trash events were the way to go.  We decided that for our Christmas gift to each other this year we would get tickets to a NASCAR race.  Stay tuned for more details...

Last week's big event was the baby shower.  Everyone was really nice and didn't give me ugly pink clothes.  That was awesome. My co-workers also gave me a shower and were kind enough to give me a gift certificate to the spa.

So this weekend I scheduled a massage.  This guy worked me over in a serious way.  He was apparently trained by Catholic nuns somewhere in a third world country.  Those ladies are evil so this explains a lot. 

On a side note our child has decided that it would rather remain head up than prepare for birth.  I find this unacceptable so we are making attempts to cajole the child into position.  Husband believes that burning special Chinese cigars next to my pinky toe will get the job done. I'll let you know how that goes...