Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hi. Anybody Still Out There?

I laughed so hard today that I had to post something here. Honestly, where else am I going to put it??

Further evidence that Facebook is the DEVIL.

Back story: I went to high school with this guy who I honestly believe needs to be medicated. I sat behind him in homeroom for many many years - he was "Jo", I was "Ju". He always kind of freaked me out a little. I heard he got arrested and served time after high school for shipping marijuana in a vacuum cleaner bag. I happily lost track...until Facebook.

There he was - HEY BE MY FRIEND. So being polite, I accepted. My high school has done this big group hug shit where people who I don't remember or maybe never spoke to have friended me and I accepted. I've taken to hiding them all so I don't have to read their updates or see their sad faces.

Yes, I'm a bitch. Moving on.

So it turns out that he's a wacko conspiracy theorist. He starts sending me, and several other lucky recipients, propaganda videos. The government is lying to US ALL! They're trying to KILL organic farming. The war in Iraq was secretly started by Aliens. UFOs UFOs AHHHHHH!

So again, I politely delete and move on with my life.

Then it happened. So our boy genius learns how to tag people in his videos. So instead of using the share functionality, he tags us. Like I'm present somehow in his nutty rant justifying Michael Vick's dog ring by pointing out that "people in Asia" eat dogs. It's called "The Micheal Vick Show", "Animal Killer, or simply a misunderstood product of Black America?".

Allow me to set the stage. It's him, dead center in the camera with a set of big ole headphones. He talks and talks, it's nonsense. I think the point he was attempting to make was that your idea of acceptable is based on where you grew up. Funny I don't know the part of the world where everyone brutalizes their dogs for sport. I digress. And I don't know how the product of black america thing was ever explained, but it's there in the title.

So fast forward to today.

So his video is insane and mildly amusing in its stupidity until my second cousin gets in on the action. Yes, she saw that I was "tagged" in a video and went on out to check it out. Thus ensued a 50+ comment long bonanza of crazy + right wing republican horse woman + stupid + people being funny + I'm not sure what. Here are some of my favorite comments...

Girl I went to HS with: "I would not allow my kids to play at a sex offender's home after he served time....just sayin'." (I think this was alluding to the fact that someone said he did his time and now we should all just forget about it.)

Her later comment: "
I would not let him walk my pitbull, either ;)"

Crazy Dude:
"Vick is someone we can all aspire to be. The All American Feel Good Story of the Year, MVP for Vick!"

aaaaand my favorite response to this...by some dude I went to high school with but don't know,
Acting as though Michael Vick has risen from adversity is like writing a story about someone that cut their own leg off only to rehab it and run a marathon as an amputee a year later. It makes no sense."

The random dude as he rails on this idiot Denise who didn't stand a chance:
Thanks for posting that Denise. If anything you said before that point held any merit, it doesn't now. Nice work."


Denise I feel bad saying anything else to you. It is more and more apparent you are clueless and have no idea what you are talking about with every post. Hang in there though."

Denise's final hurl before disappearing into Facebook land to lick her wounds: "Please don't insult my intelligence. With each post you all make it more apparent the color of the lens you're viewing all of this through. Good day!"

Aaaand right back between the eyes: "LMAO at insulting your intelligence. It was more the "lack there of" I was referring to. Thanks for the "good day" though. You do the same. Long live Michael Vick an American Icon!"

Here's someone else I don't know jumping on the heap, "...This whole post and video has made me physically sick to my stomach. How uneducated and misinformed you both really are. Funny how both Denise and 'Crazy Dude' both had to "leave" when the posts started questioning their facts."

So what have we learned here:
1. I need to learn how to un-friend and block people, especially the crazy ones.
2. Apparently anonymity is not necessary to hurl big rocks at people who probably live in your town.
3. One should find a way to get Facebook access at work for emergency untagging situations.

The scariest outcome: my second cousin friended the crazy dude because she likes to quote "have lively debate". I am at a loss. I find the collision of unrelated areas of my life disturbing. It's like having a dinner party every hour of the day and letting everyone you've ever known meet. No good can come from that - especially when we're talking about crazy vacuum cleaner marijuana dude and the right wing cousin.

Thanks for listening to my long pointless, probably not so funny to anyone but me, post. I'm out of practice....

Tell me your bad Facebook stories so I don't feel so bad. Please.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I'm thinking, as if you haven't already guessed, that I'm going to take a hiatus.

I've also been thinking that part of the reason I struggle with writing over the last 12 months is because I'm trying to write about something that I'm just not living anymore. (if you could see my draft bin you would bleaachh all over the half written posts that litter the screen)

So I got to thinking some more (all this thinking...do you smell the burning of my brain?) that I should start writing something new.

I'm note entirely sold on this idea because I'm not sure it would be any different than this sad, sad excuse for a blog.

So I think I'm going to try to think of a new format. (think....I just wanted to say it one more time.) Something that's a bit more manageable. Maybe more on topic for my current life.

Maybe I need to start using my Twitter account. I'm kidding. Maybe.

Leave me alone while I'm thinking. Or alternately, give me good ideas.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

There's a Fungus Among Us....

Husband & I took the kiddo the ER this evening upon the direction of the on call nurse at her ped's office.  In addition to spiking a fever of almost 105, she had shallow breathing and a wicked phlegmy cough.  Presumably fearing some nasty RSV or flu, we were advised to hit the ER.

Upon arriving one of us had to take her to the room and one of us had to check her in. She wouldn't let anyone but me hold her, so the choice was made for us.  Eventually he joins us and the following transpires:

Me: Sorry about that, I actually sort of wanted you to take her back because you can talk to these people (you know that being a doctor and all).
Him: Oh I wanted you to go because you know more about her.......Oh wait, I forgot you freak out in hospitals and forget to tell them anything.
Me: I didn't forget to tell them anything.
Him: Ummm, you didn't tell them about the rash and you didn't tell them she had an eye infection this past week.
Me: Oh yea. That's right, I am bad in hospitals.

After seeing about 342 medical personnel, someone comes in to take a look at a diaper rash that the first nurse had declared "just normal contact dermatitis". 

342nd Medical Personnel: Oh that's a textbook fungal infection. 
Me: Ok, we just actually bought some anti fungal stuff just in case, so we'll start using that.
342nd Medical Personnel Leaves
Me: (poke husband)
Him: What was that for?
Me: I asked you if that was fungal and you said no.
Him: How would I know I'm a Psychiatrist.
Me: Oh suuuure, you're "just a Psychiatrist" when it's convenient.
Him: Umm yea, I really don't really see too many pediatric vaginas in my line of work.
Me: Oh, right. I guess not.

Several thousand dollars later we were released with instructions to pump her full of liquids and Tylenol and slather fungal cream on the nether bits.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Random Musings from Those Trapped in their Homes

A few humorous items.

1. My husband is trying to systematically freeze me to death. He has commandeered the thermostat now that our heating bill is the equivalent of a monthly payment on a mid size BMW. He has put it on a program where by I am cold for most of the waking hours in my home. He told me I should wear a sweater around the house. This is the worst kind of torture. I like to be warm and we now sleep in a freezer. That part I don't especially mind, it's the waking up and showering in the freezer that bother me. I showered in 60 degree weather. That my friends, sucks it. He has been put on notice that if the house isn't warm for my shower, he can sleep in the driveway and I don't much care because.....he can put on a sweater.

2. Yet another old college roommate surfaces on Facebook. This one was one of my favorites. She was this cheese ball Italian Catholic (think Jersey Shore, minus the bad accent). She had these crazy long nails that she spent hours fussing and preening over. She drove a giant white Cadillac. Her parent's house was in the suburbs - hair salon the ground floor & marble entry way into the house. There were mirrors and glass furniture. If you can think of a bad Italian stereotype, she was it.

She will never connect to me or my other roommate. We had a falling out over a busted up 50lb television that she refused to remove from the apartment after she left. We forced her brother to come carry it out. Apparently, requiring Princess to actually do some work offended her delicate sensibilities.

Here's one of my favorite Italian Princess stories - I should start by telling you that my one roommate (the one I still like) is like a Jeopardy champion. Or at least the "knowledge bowl" high school version of it - which, coincidentally, was on tape thanks to her mom and we liked to show it to people. I digress. Anyway so the point is, she was the one who knew all manner of random trivia bits. Then there was Princess who frankly was a bit retarded....unless you count knowing how to polish nails. Oh ok, I'll give her that. She had a bright future as a nail technician if she ever made it through her undergraduate psychology program.

So the one day we have this discussion about this giant Tupperware container of soup on the counter.

Princess: You guys better get rid of that before it gets maggots.
Me: Well, the lid is on so I think we're safe.
Princess: Nuh uh, it can still get maggots.
Knowledge Bowl Champion: Ummm, actually it can't because maggots are fly larvae and if there aren't any flies then there aren't any maggots.
Princess: Nuh uh, my brother and I knew this lady who died in her house and it was sealed up tight and no one found her for like....awhile and when they found her there were maggots all over her.
Knowledge Bowl Champion: Umm yea, clearly there was a fly somewhere in the house before the windows were closed.
Princess: You don't know that for sure.
Knowledge Bowl Champion: Ummmm, yes I do. Remember that whole experiment with the meat and the netting that you learned about in science class? They kind of DID prove this one.

This is also the same girl who told me that I would be struck down dead by Jesus for suggesting that Catholics should spend less money on Vatican City.

So she has apparently bred. From the looks of it, there's a mini Italian Princess now. God help us all.

#3 I would just like to quickly write a letter to the universe here.

Dear Universe,
What's up? What did I ever do to you? I sort of understand the whole getting my period thing. I mean that happens every 28 days whether I like it or not. I even sort of understood the congested head & sore throat What I REALLY don't get is the double pink eye. I mean seriously? Two words. Not cool.

So not cool.....