Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hi. Anybody Still Out There?

I laughed so hard today that I had to post something here. Honestly, where else am I going to put it??

Further evidence that Facebook is the DEVIL.

Back story: I went to high school with this guy who I honestly believe needs to be medicated. I sat behind him in homeroom for many many years - he was "Jo", I was "Ju". He always kind of freaked me out a little. I heard he got arrested and served time after high school for shipping marijuana in a vacuum cleaner bag. I happily lost track...until Facebook.

There he was - HEY BE MY FRIEND. So being polite, I accepted. My high school has done this big group hug shit where people who I don't remember or maybe never spoke to have friended me and I accepted. I've taken to hiding them all so I don't have to read their updates or see their sad faces.

Yes, I'm a bitch. Moving on.

So it turns out that he's a wacko conspiracy theorist. He starts sending me, and several other lucky recipients, propaganda videos. The government is lying to US ALL! They're trying to KILL organic farming. The war in Iraq was secretly started by Aliens. UFOs UFOs AHHHHHH!

So again, I politely delete and move on with my life.

Then it happened. So our boy genius learns how to tag people in his videos. So instead of using the share functionality, he tags us. Like I'm present somehow in his nutty rant justifying Michael Vick's dog ring by pointing out that "people in Asia" eat dogs. It's called "The Micheal Vick Show", "Animal Killer, or simply a misunderstood product of Black America?".

Allow me to set the stage. It's him, dead center in the camera with a set of big ole headphones. He talks and talks, it's nonsense. I think the point he was attempting to make was that your idea of acceptable is based on where you grew up. Funny I don't know the part of the world where everyone brutalizes their dogs for sport. I digress. And I don't know how the product of black america thing was ever explained, but it's there in the title.

So fast forward to today.

So his video is insane and mildly amusing in its stupidity until my second cousin gets in on the action. Yes, she saw that I was "tagged" in a video and went on out to check it out. Thus ensued a 50+ comment long bonanza of crazy + right wing republican horse woman + stupid + people being funny + I'm not sure what. Here are some of my favorite comments...

Girl I went to HS with: "I would not allow my kids to play at a sex offender's home after he served time....just sayin'." (I think this was alluding to the fact that someone said he did his time and now we should all just forget about it.)

Her later comment: "
I would not let him walk my pitbull, either ;)"

Crazy Dude:
"Vick is someone we can all aspire to be. The All American Feel Good Story of the Year, MVP for Vick!"

aaaaand my favorite response to this...by some dude I went to high school with but don't know,
Acting as though Michael Vick has risen from adversity is like writing a story about someone that cut their own leg off only to rehab it and run a marathon as an amputee a year later. It makes no sense."

The random dude as he rails on this idiot Denise who didn't stand a chance:
Thanks for posting that Denise. If anything you said before that point held any merit, it doesn't now. Nice work."


Denise I feel bad saying anything else to you. It is more and more apparent you are clueless and have no idea what you are talking about with every post. Hang in there though."

Denise's final hurl before disappearing into Facebook land to lick her wounds: "Please don't insult my intelligence. With each post you all make it more apparent the color of the lens you're viewing all of this through. Good day!"

Aaaand right back between the eyes: "LMAO at insulting your intelligence. It was more the "lack there of" I was referring to. Thanks for the "good day" though. You do the same. Long live Michael Vick an American Icon!"

Here's someone else I don't know jumping on the heap, "...This whole post and video has made me physically sick to my stomach. How uneducated and misinformed you both really are. Funny how both Denise and 'Crazy Dude' both had to "leave" when the posts started questioning their facts."

So what have we learned here:
1. I need to learn how to un-friend and block people, especially the crazy ones.
2. Apparently anonymity is not necessary to hurl big rocks at people who probably live in your town.
3. One should find a way to get Facebook access at work for emergency untagging situations.

The scariest outcome: my second cousin friended the crazy dude because she likes to quote "have lively debate". I am at a loss. I find the collision of unrelated areas of my life disturbing. It's like having a dinner party every hour of the day and letting everyone you've ever known meet. No good can come from that - especially when we're talking about crazy vacuum cleaner marijuana dude and the right wing cousin.

Thanks for listening to my long pointless, probably not so funny to anyone but me, post. I'm out of practice....

Tell me your bad Facebook stories so I don't feel so bad. Please.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I'm thinking, as if you haven't already guessed, that I'm going to take a hiatus.

I've also been thinking that part of the reason I struggle with writing over the last 12 months is because I'm trying to write about something that I'm just not living anymore. (if you could see my draft bin you would bleaachh all over the half written posts that litter the screen)

So I got to thinking some more (all this thinking...do you smell the burning of my brain?) that I should start writing something new.

I'm note entirely sold on this idea because I'm not sure it would be any different than this sad, sad excuse for a blog.

So I think I'm going to try to think of a new format. (think....I just wanted to say it one more time.) Something that's a bit more manageable. Maybe more on topic for my current life.

Maybe I need to start using my Twitter account. I'm kidding. Maybe.

Leave me alone while I'm thinking. Or alternately, give me good ideas.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

There's a Fungus Among Us....

Husband & I took the kiddo the ER this evening upon the direction of the on call nurse at her ped's office.  In addition to spiking a fever of almost 105, she had shallow breathing and a wicked phlegmy cough.  Presumably fearing some nasty RSV or flu, we were advised to hit the ER.

Upon arriving one of us had to take her to the room and one of us had to check her in. She wouldn't let anyone but me hold her, so the choice was made for us.  Eventually he joins us and the following transpires:

Me: Sorry about that, I actually sort of wanted you to take her back because you can talk to these people (you know that being a doctor and all).
Him: Oh I wanted you to go because you know more about her.......Oh wait, I forgot you freak out in hospitals and forget to tell them anything.
Me: I didn't forget to tell them anything.
Him: Ummm, you didn't tell them about the rash and you didn't tell them she had an eye infection this past week.
Me: Oh yea. That's right, I am bad in hospitals.

After seeing about 342 medical personnel, someone comes in to take a look at a diaper rash that the first nurse had declared "just normal contact dermatitis". 

342nd Medical Personnel: Oh that's a textbook fungal infection. 
Me: Ok, we just actually bought some anti fungal stuff just in case, so we'll start using that.
342nd Medical Personnel Leaves
Me: (poke husband)
Him: What was that for?
Me: I asked you if that was fungal and you said no.
Him: How would I know I'm a Psychiatrist.
Me: Oh suuuure, you're "just a Psychiatrist" when it's convenient.
Him: Umm yea, I really don't really see too many pediatric vaginas in my line of work.
Me: Oh, right. I guess not.

Several thousand dollars later we were released with instructions to pump her full of liquids and Tylenol and slather fungal cream on the nether bits.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Random Musings from Those Trapped in their Homes

A few humorous items.

1. My husband is trying to systematically freeze me to death. He has commandeered the thermostat now that our heating bill is the equivalent of a monthly payment on a mid size BMW. He has put it on a program where by I am cold for most of the waking hours in my home. He told me I should wear a sweater around the house. This is the worst kind of torture. I like to be warm and we now sleep in a freezer. That part I don't especially mind, it's the waking up and showering in the freezer that bother me. I showered in 60 degree weather. That my friends, sucks it. He has been put on notice that if the house isn't warm for my shower, he can sleep in the driveway and I don't much care because.....he can put on a sweater.

2. Yet another old college roommate surfaces on Facebook. This one was one of my favorites. She was this cheese ball Italian Catholic (think Jersey Shore, minus the bad accent). She had these crazy long nails that she spent hours fussing and preening over. She drove a giant white Cadillac. Her parent's house was in the suburbs - hair salon the ground floor & marble entry way into the house. There were mirrors and glass furniture. If you can think of a bad Italian stereotype, she was it.

She will never connect to me or my other roommate. We had a falling out over a busted up 50lb television that she refused to remove from the apartment after she left. We forced her brother to come carry it out. Apparently, requiring Princess to actually do some work offended her delicate sensibilities.

Here's one of my favorite Italian Princess stories - I should start by telling you that my one roommate (the one I still like) is like a Jeopardy champion. Or at least the "knowledge bowl" high school version of it - which, coincidentally, was on tape thanks to her mom and we liked to show it to people. I digress. Anyway so the point is, she was the one who knew all manner of random trivia bits. Then there was Princess who frankly was a bit retarded....unless you count knowing how to polish nails. Oh ok, I'll give her that. She had a bright future as a nail technician if she ever made it through her undergraduate psychology program.

So the one day we have this discussion about this giant Tupperware container of soup on the counter.

Princess: You guys better get rid of that before it gets maggots.
Me: Well, the lid is on so I think we're safe.
Princess: Nuh uh, it can still get maggots.
Knowledge Bowl Champion: Ummm, actually it can't because maggots are fly larvae and if there aren't any flies then there aren't any maggots.
Princess: Nuh uh, my brother and I knew this lady who died in her house and it was sealed up tight and no one found her for like....awhile and when they found her there were maggots all over her.
Knowledge Bowl Champion: Umm yea, clearly there was a fly somewhere in the house before the windows were closed.
Princess: You don't know that for sure.
Knowledge Bowl Champion: Ummmm, yes I do. Remember that whole experiment with the meat and the netting that you learned about in science class? They kind of DID prove this one.

This is also the same girl who told me that I would be struck down dead by Jesus for suggesting that Catholics should spend less money on Vatican City.

So she has apparently bred. From the looks of it, there's a mini Italian Princess now. God help us all.

#3 I would just like to quickly write a letter to the universe here.

Dear Universe,
What's up? What did I ever do to you? I sort of understand the whole getting my period thing. I mean that happens every 28 days whether I like it or not. I even sort of understood the congested head & sore throat What I REALLY don't get is the double pink eye. I mean seriously? Two words. Not cool.

So not cool.....

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Merry F'in Christmas People

I haven't written in a long time. I keep thinking of things to write about but then forget and/or don't have time. I would apologize, but I'm not that sorry so let's just move along.

Let's see, what's new and exciting...
  • Well it's the Christmas season and all my neighbors are Jewish. So there's not much in the way of parties in this neck of the woods.
  • My child had a runny nose so I was blackballed from all family events.
  • My husband was on call Christmas Day.
Where did this leave me? Oh right. Home. Alone. with a cranky kid.

On the upside, we're slowly adapting to the suburbs. I actually left the house a few times to run errands and didn't think about how it takes 100 times longer to get anything done around here. That's progress. On the downside, husband shoveled us out of the storm of the decade. 20 inches. Not fun.

Admittedly I grew up in white bread suburbia so I know how this game is played. I spent years listening to my parents talk trash on the people who didn't take their trashcans in immediately or the people who didn't mow their laws or the people who didn't take down their Christmas lights (gasp!).

So when every tree in this very old tree neighborhood dumped a metric tonne of leaves all over the place, my husband included the neighbor's driveway in his efforts with the leaf blower. (I should mention our driveways are attached. Different colored cement but fused together to make one large driveway that sits between our homes) So when we had this massive snow dump last week, he began shoveling our driveway. Our neighbor is a single woman with 3-4 adult children. It happened that her son was visiting during the storm, so we assumed he would shovel her driveway and front walk.

Needless to say there was still snow on her driveway until the day nature took care of it, no one touched her walk and I practically broke my ass multiple times trying to get around the ice patches on her side when putting my kid in the car. What kind of little shit leaves their single mother with a driveway full of snow?

I sort of felt guilty when I looked at our homes side by side. There was our driveway...nicely shoveled, clear, safe. Then there was theirs, which is none of those things. So what do you all think? In this land of happy neighborhoods and smiley people, did we have any obligation to help out after her turd of a son left?

They also have a daughter who babysits for us. She's quite nice but I believe she might be moderately stupid. I suspected this was the case when she put a diaper on my kid backwards. This in itself is not that weird, I mean unless you have done it before you might guess the tape closures could go the other way. She however works for a preschool taking care of 3 year olds. I'm assuming not every 3 year old is potty trained. Are they all over there running around with backwards diapers? The other day when we called to tell her she had left her car lights on for the second night in a row, she told me she got fired. Shocking.

There's also this crazy dude across the street. I watched him yell out the door at his wife not to rake the leaves into the driveway. I've been warned that Bob is a flaming asshole, but that was the first time I saw it in action. I introduced myself to him in an overly chipper way, just to piss him off. He grunted and that was pretty much it. His kindness once again shone through as he shoveled the snow from around his car into the street instead of onto his lawn. It's ok Bob, I like when I hit a packed ice patch in the middle of an otherwise cleared street.

So all you people out there, tell me, what do you hate that your neighbors do? Biggest pet peeve. We need to compile a list of Suburban Felonies.

I'll start - my neighbor has a giant blue recycling trash can that she leaves on her front walk. Like you have to walk around it to get to her front door. That's klassy with a K.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Drive Time with Hitler

Wow - time flies when you are not having fun. I haven't posted since October 5th. It's November 19th. This is a whole new level of ass sucking.

So let me bring you up to speed. Since my last post, my significant other and I have...

  1. Bought a house in the burbs.
  2. Bought an SUV (technically a crossover, but they just call it that so you don't have to say you own an SUV)
  3. Bought a King size bed
  4. Bought a leaf blower
  5. Had an actual land line installed
  6. Had a leak under the sink
  7. Had a leak in the roof
  8. Do not have an oven because it is broken and I am about to go postal with the oven repair company (I will save this for a later post because if I talk about it I might have to throw the computer across the room)

Aside from the obvious implications of all this (we're dead to our city friends and we can't afford to leave the house) we're getting along.

The first week of my new commute into the city was a Septa strike. This means that every retard in the tri-state area was on the road attempting to cut one another off. It also meant that I had to spend upwards of 2 hours in a car with a screaming child. I tried feeding her the evening bottle to shut her up. That lasted about 2.5 minutes while she sucked it down with the efficiency of a Hoover then returned to the screaming.

During the strike I drove several co-workers home over the week. The tiny crazy woman in the backseat was in rare form.

My co-worker: Don't you have any children's music or something?
Me: No
My co-worker: We should sing something.
Me: Like what?
My co-worker: You know, that song about the animals.
Me: What the F are you talking about?
My co-worker: You know that "ee i ee i oh" song
Me: Right, ok.

Thus started the singing of some of the worst sounding Old MacDonald you have ever heard. We periodically stopped to consult one another on animal noises and argue about whether or not a cat was technically a farm animal and when we ran out, we sang The Wheels on the Bus. And when that gravy train ended... we listened to screaming.

It was then that I realized that I did have children's music, by accident, on my iPod. The Husband's aunt sent us some German children's music. It was like turning off a light switch. The minute you put it on, the backseat is silenced. The only problem is it sounds like the Vienna Boy's Choir so I've taken to referring to it as the Hitler Youth Orchestra.

So EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. I listen to this music. Then, EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I listen to it again. I'm starting to hear this shit in my sleep.

This one is particularly catchy and this kid does a pretty close approximation....

Anyone who ever complained about children's music never had to hear that EVERY DAY, TWICE A DAY.

Good lord, here's the actual CD on YouTube. Please take a listen - this is my commute.

I don't think I need to say any more. I accept cash donations to pay for the ear surgery I will surely need.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Put me out of my misery...

So I'm looking at my cousin's daughter's pictures on Facebook and I realize I'm getting old. I think she's a junior in high school. I'm scared by this for a number of reasons.

1. I vaguely remember her being born.
2. I'm not sure when/how she got this old becuase I swear she was 5 last summer.
3. Kids apparently add extra letters into words for fun. It doesn't make any sense to me and I can't figure out why they do it. Like "hiiiiii" or "Toollld yooooou". What is that? Please tell me.
4. She looks like a real person (see comment 2)
5. I think she might like baseball since every single post is about the Phillies...do girls actually like sports teams? (of course this question doesn't apply when you pretend to like sports for a boy)

Speaking of feeling old....

So it's almost official we are moving to the suburbs. This is good and bad. Bad because it's the suburbs and that's where people go to die. Good because I had an excuse to buy wellies. Not that I didn't have enough reasons with city puddles, but I bought a pair of Hunters with furry liners and I feel like I look like I'm ready to garden now. They're super cute and you and I both know they will never see a garden. I hate nature but I now need to have the appearance of nature. Plus, with the whole diaper bag I no longer buy bags so I have to satisfy my need somehow. If only these things came in orange, my life would have been complete.

I look forward to living in the suburbs. I feel it might give me some new blog fodder. Of course this means I actually have to talk to my neighbors. I can't decide how I feel about that whole idea that people are going to knock on my door and introduce themselves. Someone may have to talk me off the ledge.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Freaky or Freakin Cool?

All right. I just found this on my reader. Someone posted the video on youtube. This is crazy. Check out the pictures under lingerie. The chick in front of the fridge that's filled with pickles might be my favorite. I'm obsessing, I can't get over these pictures. I also can't tell if I'm disturbed or I think it's hilarious.


People, I need comments. Creepy weird? Totally cool?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ewww Dirty Boy

So another wacky & wild night was spent alone on the couch while child slept and husband took care of crazy people at the hospital. With nothing better to do I did some work, made myself dinner and watched back episodes of Burn Notice on the DVR.

I was cooking listening to a random shuffle on iTunes when a song came on. I was dancing around the kitchen and suddenly I heard the words and had to go look it up because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. We'll get to that in a minute.

So growing up, my mother would listen to our music in the car when she was driving us wherever we happen to be chauffeured that day and she would frequently ask, "What are they saying?? Did they just say...". And I would roll my eyes because more often than not, she totally misheard whatever it was and was repeating some nonsensical statement. For instance...

The actual lyrics by Cutting Crew - "I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said"
My mother thought they were saying, "I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you ate".

Aside from not making much sense (I died because of something you ate??), it doesn't even sound remotely close to what they're actually saying. Considering this was probably some time in the mid to late 80's, it supports the idea that she's had a hearing problem for many years.

So fast forward to me dancing around my kitchen and listening to Jordan Knight. Yea I said it, go ahead, laugh away. That "Give it to You" song is a catchy tune. Anyway, the real problem didn't happen until I caught something beyond the chorus. Here's one of the verses:

I'm the place to be
and soon, you'll see
I don't care who leads
As long as we move horizontally
Anyone can make you sweat
But I, can keep you wet

Two points for rhyming, but Eww. I can't sing along to that with a straight face.

Here's to hoping that my kid has decent taste in music because unlike my mother, I have my hearing and I'm not sure I can handle much of what today's 13 year old girls listen to....

Monday, August 31, 2009

Where's the Beav? Oh right, he doesn't live here because I am a shitty homemaker.

Day 1: Leaving our vacation home. Friend says, "oh you should take some of this food since you're driving." She packs away some ripe bananas for me. Ugh. I hate fruit.

Day 2: Look at bananas now sitting on counter. Looking at bit brown now. Channel my mother and think to self, "Self, you need to make banana bread so that food doesn't go to waste." Fail to channel self and recognize actual cost of bananas.

Day 3: Bananas looking bad. Say to husband, "Husband, we need to make banana bread with these, they're going bad." Check the cabinet - shortening expired in 2006. Channel my mother again while I consider using 3 year expired food product. Good sense returns. Throw in trash. Add to shopping list. Discover expired baking soda. Add to list. No flour. No sugar. Add all to list. Husband shops. I procrastinate. Bananas get worse.

Day 4: Bananas start to melt into counter. Get off ass to make bread. Combine all ingredients in bowl. Proud of self. Take hand mixer & bowl into bathroom. Mix with door shut as not to wake child. (This is what people in 1100 sq feet do.) Put in oven. Set timer for 1 hour.

52 minutes later. Writing this blog post. Think to self, "I don't think I recall putting sugar into that bowl. Was sugar supposed to go in that bowl?" Check recipe. F*ck forgot sugar.

So let's tally up the carnage:

To save 3 melting bananas (that weren't even mine), I...

1. bought a giant tub of shortening that will likely expire and collect dust in my cabinets for the next 4 years.
2. bought baking soda which is essentially useless unless you bake, which I clearly do not.
3. bought flour which I also rarely use and will likely be tossed in our next move.

June Cleaver, I am not.