Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I had a roommate in college. To be clear, she wasn't really a roommate in the traditional sense but our one and only foray into the world of subletting. My dear roommate from Seattle was my roommate for 3 years. She and I had the longest tenure in #5. This might explain why we were close to killing one another at various points. Then again, we could just as easily chalk that up to being female and our constant alcohol consumption. Anyway, some time in those 3 years she went back to the happy state of Seattle for an internship. We were sad to see her leave, but she came back with good stories and she had met a boy (who she later invited to her wedding, who I later got drunk and hooked up with, which I later found out she planned, who then interpreted my "if you're ever in town, look me up" as an actual invitation and invited himself to my beach house that summer. In retrospect perhaps that wasn't such a good use of her 6 months, but you know what they say about hind sight...I digress). So while she was off hooking-up with my future hook-up, myself and the other occupants of #5 had the distinct pleasure of living with the Sasquatch.
She was called Sasquatch because she had incredibly large misshapen feet. Feet are not easy to hide but she sure tried hard. Like many things, if you aren't a person of reasonable intelligence, your ideas generally don't materialize as planned. She would wear extra long jeans and let them hang down over her toes to hide her feet. As you may have guessed this didn't work very well and probably succeeded in drawing more attention, not less, to her feet. So now we've establish she's a bit backwards. Let's move on to flaky.
She also told us, almost immediately upon move in, that her nickname in high school was 31 flavors. Curious, but not alarming until she decided to elaborate. You see she was given this nickname because of the number of guys to which she had given head.
Seeing her always made me think of this clip from the movie Clerks. Over the next few months we all had varied interactions with her. I thought she was an idiot but found her moderately entertaining. It was like sport trying to pimp her out to guys. At the bar where I worked I introduced her to the owner's son. He was a man whore and this meant she immediately disappeared to his home in NJ for a weekend of fun. I seem to recall this being the cause of a fight between her and our other roommate (who I'm sure will chime in when she reads this because she never forgets anything).
Another time I pawned her off on a guy we all knew well. He had to call us and ask that we come retrieve her after she overstayed her welcome. She had a nasty habit of turning the "morning walk of shame" into "the following evening walk of - I'm too stupid to be ashamed".
Then there was the time I made a bet with one of my guy friends that I could just mention to her that he was asking about her and she would be at his doorstep in under an hour. He took that bet and lo and behold she showed up. He couldn't get rid of her so he offered to walk her home. She accepted (but was likely confused about why he was offering considering she didn't want to go). Then as they were standing outside #5 she momentarily went upstairs at which point he begged me to help him get rid of her. I told him to run. He ran. Fast. That part was funny. The bizarre thing was her reaction. It went something like this:
Her: Where did Jeff go?
Me: Who? (feign ignorance)
Me: Oh. He had to go.
Her: Oh. (blink. blink.) Ok.
So it was no big shocker when we heard she finally got knocked up our senior year.
Fast forward 10 years. Against my better judgement I join Facebook. 372 friends later she connects to me. Apparently she started and couldn't stop. I count 4 children.
I email our other roommate.
Me: Guess who connected to me...31 flavors. You know she's going to find you next and connect to you.
Her: Why on earth would you have ever accepted her?
Me: Meh...she's 31 flavors...she's harmless. Stupid, but harmless.
So now we've established harmless. Let's talk about not harmless.
So for all my brother-in-law's ranting about putting my daughter's website up, I had to think of him when this happened. One day my mother called (as she always does when someone my age gets arrested in my hometown) and said, "Do you know a guy named Mike D.?". Of course I do (I graduated with just over 100 people). Well he was arrested for having 6 gazillion pictures of naked kids on his computer.
Guess who is on Facebook. Where I post pictures of my kid. Where everyone posts pictures of their kids. Where creepy pervert dude who looks at kiddie porn is connecting to everyone.
Ick. Evil Facebook.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I think the media is out to poo on my parade lately. Keep this up and I may need some blood pressure meds.
Here is a perfect example of why I hate religious zealots…I totally get that they believe abortion is murder, but seriously how can they possibly justify killing this man by saying it isn’t homicide but “stopping him in his tracks”. Has anyone ever seen Gattaca? I truly hope that someday there’s a way to ferret out these wingnuts and put them in a padded cell before they hurt the rest of us.