Good Karma/Bad Karma & Is there such a thing as ePhermones?

Good Karma/Bad Karma

The other day I rented a Philly Car Share minivan (please refrain from Soccer Mom jokes, it was the only thing available) and I found a digital camera in the console. So after I checked it out and snooped the pictures I called Philly Care Share and told them I found it. They asked me if I wanted to bring it by the office. Mama didn’t raise no fool, I said “why don’t you take my mobile number and have them call me”. I knew exactly what would happen if I gave that to the office - it would disappear into the pocket of some non-profit flunky. And so I waited. My husband on the other hand looked up it’s retail value and started making plans for his new digital camera. Two weeks go by, no call. He’s talking about ordering chargers, cables and downloading software. I keep waiting…"no honey, it's not your camera. Please don’t delete their pictures”…

Last night I took a cab, paid the driver and went home to do what I do best – nothing. I hear my blackberry buzzing away in the corner, I ignore it. Buzz, buzz, buzz…. What on earth is going on over there? Missed call number three. Check the voicemail. “Hi this is Citibank, we have a report that your wallet was found and we’re cancelling your cards, blah, blah, blah”. What? I just paid the cab driver. Call waiting starts beeping. My hand is groping in the blackhole that is my purse. Hmmm, no wallet. Answer the call waiting,

Guy: “Hi this is Bill, missing something?”
Me: “Why yes, apparently I am. Do you have it?”
Guy: “No, but you apparently had my business card so they called me to find you. We must have met and I gave you my business card. I have the lady’s number who has your wallet.”

Boy am I glad I met that guy at happy hour.

So I call the nice lady who offers to drive my wallet over to me. I insist on not putting her out, she insists since she's driving around. She’s nice but like I said, Mama didn’t raise no dummy. I immediately go online and transfer all my cash to the account that is not accessible by ATM or check card. I check my credit cards, no weird charges for stereo equipment or sneakers at the Footlocker. I’m feeling good.

We meet, I immediately pull out the cash and hand it to her. I think it was about $50. She and her friend looked at each other - you know they were taking bets on whether or not I was going to give it to her. She does the half hearted, “oh you don’t have to do that”. I insist, she is visibly pleased. I ask for her address to send her a thank you, she says I’ve given her more than enough already. Who am I to argue.

This morning my phone rings.

Camera Lady: “Hi, I understand you found my digital camera”
Me: “Why yes I did”
Camera Lady: “Thanks so much for hanging onto it, I doubt I would have gotten it back otherwise”
Me: “Yep, that’s why I held onto it”
Camera Lady: “Thank you so much, there are really important pictures on there”
(Huh? It’s a bunch of people in human gyroscopes - note to self: weirdo)

I don’t expect anything for my trouble since few people have manners these days. I will consider the good karma bestowed upon me repayment enough. I got my wallet back, I don’t have to go the DMV, all is right in the world.

Is there such a thing as ePheromones?

pher·o·mone (fěr'ə-mōn') n. A chemical secreted by an animal, especially an insect, that influences the behavior or development of others of the same species, often functioning as an attractant of the opposite sex.

We have eMail, eStores, eDiets, eFiling but is there such a thing as ePheromones? Is it possible to send off electronic vibes that say “Hey, I’m feeling frisky today”? Perhaps it’s the full moon. (yes, I checked 95% full) Either way there was something up today.

I’ve always had this uncanny ability to say things that make total sense at the time but as soon as it's out of my mouth I realize that it was totally a double entendre.

10:02 AM: I was late for a three person conference call; stuck on the phone with a talker. So I sent a courtesy email:

To: Coworker #1
From: Me
Subject: I’m coming
Stuck on phone, start without me.

I arrive a few moments later. I start giving an update about some project nonsense. Microsoft’s handy little email preview pops up in the lower right hand corner of the screen.

To: Me
From Coworker #1
Subject: Re: I’m coming
Please don’t hold up our calls for personal gratification in the future

I laugh, out loud. I can’t help it. Realizing that the other person on the call has no idea why I’m laughing in the middle of my update I try to explain.

“I’m sorry, I’m not very good about being quiet” ewwww, I just did it again. I am totally digging my own hole. “I just got a funny email”. OMG Help…I sound like a total idiot.

To: Coworker #1
From: Me
Subject: re: I’m coming
And what I meant by "I'm not good at being quiet" was that I have a habit of laughing out loud on calls when people send me funny emails. NOT what you were likely thinking. Cut it out.

Immediately….

To: Me
From: Coworker #1
Subject: Re: I’m coming
Definitely thinking, not just likely . . .

Single incident right? Wrong. Fast forward three hours. I join a call.

“Hi, this is Me. Blah, blah, blah”. Put the phone on mute for what will surely be another hour of painful discussion. I see my office IM blinking. New guy from IT.

New Guy: I’m on the call, so is so-and-so, but I like you best, you sound Sultry.
Me: Seriously can’t help it. First job out of college I set up my voicemail and a few days later got a message from my admin that I might want to change my voicemail to sound less like a 900 number.
New Guy: I was thinking about asking you to leave me a voicemail so I could save it for a rainy day. I like to go by Big Boy.

For those of you who have never met my father, he retired more than 5 years ago. I think it was partially because he could and partially because they instituted hostile work environment policies. Growing up with him was much like living the what-not-to-say-at-work educational videos .

Dad: "Hey is that a camel hair sweater you have on?"
Me: "No Dad, it's cashmere"
Dad: "Oh, then what are those two humps? HA HA HA!"

Suffice to say a fairly high tolerance for pain was necessary. Given my years of breeding I have impeccable taste for toilet humor. As a result my non-work brain says "These guys crack me up!". My work brain however says "Good God, not over email. Didn't you read our technology policy!" (please reference earlier post about enjoying being gainfully employed)

So, to all you frisky, moon howling men out there, no matter what kind of ePheromones you're picking up, save it for Happy Hour.