Monday, August 31, 2009

Where's the Beav? Oh right, he doesn't live here because I am a shitty homemaker.

Day 1: Leaving our vacation home. Friend says, "oh you should take some of this food since you're driving." She packs away some ripe bananas for me. Ugh. I hate fruit.

Day 2: Look at bananas now sitting on counter. Looking at bit brown now. Channel my mother and think to self, "Self, you need to make banana bread so that food doesn't go to waste." Fail to channel self and recognize actual cost of bananas.

Day 3: Bananas looking bad. Say to husband, "Husband, we need to make banana bread with these, they're going bad." Check the cabinet - shortening expired in 2006. Channel my mother again while I consider using 3 year expired food product. Good sense returns. Throw in trash. Add to shopping list. Discover expired baking soda. Add to list. No flour. No sugar. Add all to list. Husband shops. I procrastinate. Bananas get worse.

Day 4: Bananas start to melt into counter. Get off ass to make bread. Combine all ingredients in bowl. Proud of self. Take hand mixer & bowl into bathroom. Mix with door shut as not to wake child. (This is what people in 1100 sq feet do.) Put in oven. Set timer for 1 hour.

52 minutes later. Writing this blog post. Think to self, "I don't think I recall putting sugar into that bowl. Was sugar supposed to go in that bowl?" Check recipe. F*ck forgot sugar.

So let's tally up the carnage:

To save 3 melting bananas (that weren't even mine), I...

1. bought a giant tub of shortening that will likely expire and collect dust in my cabinets for the next 4 years.
2. bought baking soda which is essentially useless unless you bake, which I clearly do not.
3. bought flour which I also rarely use and will likely be tossed in our next move.

June Cleaver, I am not.


crap-tastic mommy said...

I have to tell you that this post cracks me up. I have 5 over-ripe bananas on my counter. I contemplated making Banana Nut Muffins last night with them but didn't have any nuts in the house (except me and my husband). I'm going to learn from your mistake and just throw them out. Thank you for saving me a headache and a messy kitchen!

rbrome said...

Ha. That sounds like something I would do. I have some flour and fine sugar sitting on a shelf in my kitchen. I bought them to make some cookies for the holidays. They've been collecting dust ever since.