Random Crap and How to Damage your Child in Three Easy Steps

Since I am not very entertaining these days, here are a few random thoughts from this increasingly random pregnant woman. (Don't whine, the other alternative is to hear me bitch about baby crap. People, you have no frickin clue how over the top, ugly, expensive and totally unnecessary most of this stuff is...I digress.) Let's move this along.

Stuff to Do or Stuff to Look At:
Here's something for you to do while bored at work (compliments of my friend up north). I scored a miserable 29. Frickin eastern Europeans...

Another gem from her...you have to love a company whose slogan is - "when you care enough to hit send" http://www.someecards.com Since we have all settled in nicely to this lazy world of having our Outlook remind us of people's birthdays and then managing to type less than 300 characters into an ecard, this works out quite well for anyone who is moderately hateful as well as lazy.

And a funny site that is updated infrequently but it's funny as hell: http://bartlebysunite.tumblr.com/

What I've been up to:
Last week I wore a new sweater. By 9AM I looked like I got into a violent fight with a Persian cat. The cat won. By 10 it was in my eyes and floating around my office. I dug out my lint roller (travel size and not terribly effective) and proceeded to roll my belly. I'm quite certain anyone who saw it was probably equal parts curious and horrified.

I had the following conversation with one of my co-workers last week:
Me: Am I a bad mother if I don't have a nursery theme?
Her: You know how I feel about this.
Me: Seriously, the kid can't see more than 4 inches in front of it's face, it's not going to notice the lack of decoration
Silence
Me: Fine
I now own something in green and yellow for the "girl-ish" child.

This past weekend we went shooting. I considered the following logic in advance - when I am underwater and I hear someone it sounds muffled like Charlie Brown's teacher. I figure that's probably the way everything sounds to the kid. So I decided to go shooting. After a crap first round I started to shoot a little better. 2/3rds of the way through the second round I decided to look up pregnancy and shooting on the iPhone. Ah, one of many mistakes - right up there with reading about birth defects. I have now sucked in an undetermined amount of toxic lead and made my child deaf and potentially mentally retarded. I have decided to ignore this for the same reason I ignore those people that tell me if I have an occasional glass of wine that my child will come out with eyes on the side of its head like a carp.

And so we ended the weekend with dinner with the fam. My father decided to make everyone cocktails. His cocktails are usually a double plus by any standard and consist of alcohol and more alcohol. My mother had already had a glass of wine while cooking (a "small" one she says, we don't really believe that) when she decided to also consume a gin martini. Sitting at dinner the conversation went something like this:

Mother (to my husband): Oh! You have such nice hair color.
Husband: Yes, it's for the fall.
Mother (to my brother-in-law): Oh! You have really thick hair. And you have nice color too.
Brief Pause
Mother (to no one in particular): Oh! I think I'm a little drunk.

Then later we lost my grandmother. She disappeared to go to the bathroom and after 15 minutes someone asked if anyone knew where she was.

Mother (yelling to my grandmother): Mom, where are you?
No Answer
Mother: Mom, are you there?
Grandmother: I'm here, I'm wasn't sleeping, I was shitting.
Huh??

Well that clears up everything...