A Little Hatred & Self Loathing for the Holidays

I'll admit that some days I live under a rock. I try to avoid the local 11 o'clock news since the only thing it typically tells me is how many house fires there were in Fishtown and who shot whom in the Mayfair section of town (exactly where is Mayfair, I don't know. I do know that I don't want to go there...people get shot).

Anyway, lately I've been obsessed with this whole Alycia Lane drama that's been unfolding. I think she's pretty and she always manages to look very serious when she's telling us about those house fires and shootings. She looks good in that "Anchorwoman Red Suit". Did I mention I think she's pretty? Anyway, that about sums up what I know about this woman.

I would have been happy to go on thinking she's pretty and nothing else. However, the media has made this virtually impossible. As a result I have learned the following lessons - In the event that you are an evening news anchor, you should avoid the following behavior...

1. Sending bikini pictures of yourself to married men, or their wives (even when it's by accident)
2. Dating a Morning Show DJ who has stupid looking billboards all up and down I95
3. Cussing at the nice police officers and trying to pull rank by saying you're a reporter (ummm, who would respond to that anyway?)
4. Telling the nice lady police officer that she plays for the pink team
5. Hitting the nice police officer

So now you're saying - how does someone who lives under a rock know about Alycia Lane? Why the Internet of course! I wouldn't have seen it if her picture hadn't popped up on the homepage and I said - ooooo shiny! Pretty! I know her! (does anyone else find it odd that my pretty new lady made national news for something so stupid?) How did this happen?

I'll tell you how - the average American is an ignorant fool. I just pulled up all the major news outlets to see what we're digesting.

NY Times feature article(s): New South Korean President, Bush/CIA Tapes & Sub Prime Mortgage drama at Morgan Stanley

Wall Street Journal feature article(s): More Morgan Stanley, Wed Fed auction & more mortgage related market drama

wait for it....CNN

What in the hell is this? We wonder why we're a stupid society? Who cares about some amputee or people without electricity. Speaking of dumb news. It was also a big news day for offspring in the Spears clan.

Britney's sister is knocked up. How old is she? 12? Anyway, this is like a feeding frenzy. The press is down in some podunk down in Mississippi with a population of just over 1K people on a man hunt for her baby daddy. (by the way I LOVE how the media uses the phrase "baby daddy" like it makes ANY sense at all)

I have a question...are the instructions on the birth control down South written in Chichewa? It's the only way I can figure someone can get knocked up by accident. Maybe they just don't teach that sex-ed class in the actor kid classes?

Who am I to talk, I have no point of comparison because I wasn't doing anything that would have gotten me "in the family way" at 16. I do recall a few years after that and BABY was number one on the list of things to avoid. I wasn't doing anything nearly as cool with my life as she is and I still managed to stave off teen pregnancy. Then again, I wasn't cursed with the Spears gene pool either.

So moving on to the other female in the family, Mama Spears. Probably the most ironic part of this whole pregnant teen drama is that her Mama Spears book on parenting has been delayed indefinitely. Frankly I'm shocked that the Christian publisher is no longer interested in a parenting book by her. The injustice!

I leave us all with the wise words of Chris Rock, "Your job in life is to keep your baby off the pole". Well done.