Please, help me change the channel

In my post holiday couch sitting stupor I have discovered a few scary things on TV. Somehow the digital box has ended up on BBC America and I think it might be stuck. It's a bit like a train wreck, I want to look away but I just keep watching. My latest obsession is a show called "How Clean is your House?". The basic principle is exactly what one might think: people with messy, dirty homes go on the show and end up with clean homes. Two ladies called Kim & Aggie run around to these homes wearing fur trimmed rubber gloves (good thing my mother didn't find those for Christmas...) and they hurl insults at the inhabitants to shame them out of their dirty habits. One of the two, I'm not sure which, frequently tells people that she might be sick. They they take swabs from various places in the house to send out to the lab. Oh yea, and everyone has that teary moment at the end where they talk about what a life changing event the cleaning has been. Also, 75% of these people discuss the sole purpose for doing this is to increase their chances of getting laid.

Here are the highlights...

• One woman liked to throw her dirty underpants all over the house. As a result her little swabs showed traces of candida all over the house. NASTY. (I'm sure she'll get plenty of tail after national television broadcasts her little yeast problem.)
• She also had her refrigerator condemned as a biohazard. She was advised that commercial cleaners would never fix what was in there and to just chuck it.
• There was a gentleman who had resorted to eating biscuits and milk in bed because his kitchen was infested with garbage and flies. (Can someone please tell me what the hell is a biscuit? The only kind I know you can find down south smothered in gravy.)
• Then there was the guy who was advised to vacuum his mattress monthly to keep the dust mites down. He was also the same guy who had cobwebs all over his walls.

I also learned some cleaning tips from these two crazy women. Shaving foam is a wonderful cleanser for walls. (who knew?) For those stubborn stains in the toilet - grab some sandpaper (btw, if you need sandpaper in your toilet, you'd better check your ass). I also threw up in my mouth a little throughout most of these shows. This was sort of like torture. Please don't tell me about all the bacteria and fungus that live around me, it's like dumping kerosene on a smoldering fire... I think I need to go clean now. With bleach...

Next up was a little gem called "You Are What You Eat". Another self explanatory title. People eat badly then they get religion. There's this crazy little Scottish woman, Gillian McKeith, who takes the fatties, tracks what they stuff in their mouth for a week (with the help of some friends that are tired of their pal being a big 'ole porker), has them take a dump so she can check out their poo (while hurling insults like: "I can smell your bad poo from outside this door", "I'll bet you leave skid marks in the bowl when you take a poo", and my personal favorite, "a good poo should hit the water while it's still coming out of you") and then she buys them a gym membership. She does all this in a very shrill squealing voice. People are also terrified of her as well which is fun because sometimes she makes them cry.

• One woman broke down in tears when it was explained to her that she was killing her chubby little children with sugar. (duh...) They pulled together how much sugar she was feeding her little rolly polly's in a week - it was so heavy that the kids couldn't even hold the bowls.
• Then there was a big fatty who liked to eat crisps (Again, a little help here, what is a crisp? Do we have those in this country?) - she cried when she cheated and ate crisps. It was a blubbering mess.
• The candy lady was especially freakish. She consumed more candy in a week than I've purchased in 10 Halloweens. - 14 Liters of Diet Soda and not a single ounce of water.
• The guinea pigs in one house ate better than the children

How is it these people are always shocked when someone tells them that it's bad to eat a bunch of crap? Is this revolutionary or are people just stupid?

However the single funniest thing about BBC America is that they run these sort of public service announcement type commercials suggesting you should put on your closed captioning to understand what the hell everyone is saying. This is especially necessary when watching Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. My husband has begun running around the house yelling "Bollocks!" in a very strange affected English accent. This is second only to his imitation of the Irish guy at work.

Excuse me now. I'm off, it's time for Coupling....