Saturday, December 15, 2007

Theories, Stereotypes and Observations put to the test....ok, not really but play along

Yesterday my partner in crime and I packed up the contents of our double wide and vacated our offices for greener pastures. The moving company forced us to leave early so we went to the bar. The cast of characters from last week's holiday party were partially reprised at our local watering hole.

After several beverages we decided that going to a few gay bars would be a good idea. We eventually landed at the Tavern on Camac. It took me 10 minutes to realize that there are several stereotypes about gay men that seem to hold water. Gay men knows show tunes, Judy Garland songs and Christmas carols. Here I am standing in this piano bar (and I acknowledge that perhaps that has something to do with who was actually in the bar) and these guys are singing along to songs I have never heard. How does that happen? Is it like the twins separated at birth phenomena? I may have been the only one in the bar who could not sing along. (ok, so I'll point out that my friend Rich also couldn't sing along. It pokes holes in my theory so I conveniently left that part of the story out.)

Theory 2 put to the test: If you put a gay man and a high school girl in the same room and see who can create more drama and bitchiness, my money is on the gay man. There was high drama in that bar. Everyone knows everyone elses business. Everyone is also talking about everyone elses business...in front of everyone. That one is a whore, that one is cheating on his partner, I hate that one, etc. I learned my one friend used to date some guy and now he dates another guy and everyone apparently knows them both. I watched some random guy start talking trash on my friend's partner. Then his partner walks out and the guy starts double cheek kissing him and gushing all over him. I haven't seen bald face trash talking like this since 8th grade.

Here's one I didn't know about but I am officially making it Theory 3 - these guys have Spidey ears. They hear everything. It's no secret that I have an ongoing monologue in my head. Sometimes my inside voice comes outside. Most people don't hear me since I'm usually only loud enough to make it to the ears of the person next to me and no further. I've always attributed it to the pitch of my voice. Quite often it has that phone sex operator quality and not screeching wild monkey (yes, that's what most women sound like to me). Well, let me tell you something. When I made fun of the shirt on the guy 15 feet from me, he turned around and actually said "oh no, you didn't". My sense was that he was either non violent or my friend's partner carried more social weight than he did. So I was spared the nasty cat fight over the shiny blue iridescent shirt.

There is one other explanation for this particular episode - I was drunk and didn't know how loud I was. Our house guests last weekend will swear that the girl I was making fun of in the diner heard me. You know what, I hope she did. There's a point in all of our lives when we need to learn that no one wants to see that half masticated pile of french fries in your mouth. Shut it. Chew it. Thank you. I will own that one with pride.

Observation 4 - Not all gay men are hot. Disappointing. When I was single I was convinced that all the hot ones were gay and they were off in a club somewhere appreciating each other's hotness in the absence of females. I am happy to report to the single ladies out there that they've got it just as bad as we do. Yes, there was some dude clearly pumped up on roids dancing with himself in the mirror. Rumor was that he was some kind of porn star. My only concern was his close proximity to my suede bag in the corner because he looked a little lubed up. (I can't imagine suede and lube would be a good combination.) Generally speaking there were a few nice looking guys but many were just average guys of all ages that I would not date, even if I were single and they were straight.

It was indeed a fun night despite the fact that there was a set of awesome 80's songs played exactly at my departure - I might have considered going back but I had been drinking for more than 9 hours - my bed was calling my name. Rich says he's going to take me to Sisters for the Wednesday night drink special - 10 drinks for $10. 10 drinks is exactly what I need on a Wednesday night - especially if I plan to be surrounded by women in flannel. But I hear they have good music and dancing. Let's hope their hearing is poor so I don't have to worry about getting my ass kicked. Something tells me the chick in flannel won't be as forgiving as the dude in the iridescence.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

OK T.

1. No blogging when loaded.

2. DO NOT, under any circumstances drink 10 drinks for $10 with the lesbians. It's going to end in tears. And they will definitely kick your butt if you comment on their flannel ;-)))

Anonymous said...

This is why I never go to gay bars....