The Work Holiday Party - The Mother of all CLMs

Ahhhh, the work holiday party. So many possible pitfalls, a veritable cornucopia of potential CLMs. What is a CLM you ask? A Career Limiting Move. It was a favorite acronym at my old firm. There’s far more opportunity at a consulting firm for debauchery – an over abundance of young people, quite a few who are fairly attractive, large expense accounts, lots of alcohol and traveling. It’s a recipe for disaster. I thought moving into industry would provide some protection from the world of CLMs.

And it did, for the most part. However, every year the holidays roll around putting us all into the precarious world of over consumption. Vendor parties, work functions, team dinners, they all magically appear in December.

They Queen Mother of all opportunities for committing grave CLMs is the work holiday party. Here are a few common sense tips I’ve picked up over the years for surviving your holiday party.

1. Drink, but only until your conversation starts to sound incoherent. We all know that this is impossible. You’re cruising along, chatting everyone up, having a glass of wine, feeling very good about your ability to be social and professional when “BAM!” somehow you’re now on your 5th glass of wine and you realize you have diarrhea of the mouth and the person talking to you looks like they’re in pain.
2. Say hello to anyone important early….very early. You know you’re going to violate Rule #1 so see the people you’re most likely to commit CLMs in front of early.
3. Find a spot that no one else is drinking and make it your own. Now that you’ve done your required socialization you should find a place to continue drinking. Please note that the dance floor is off limits. Really, you can’t dance sober and you really can’t dance drunk so just don’t do it.
4. The spot should be hidden or at least not visible to the people in Rule #2. This should be fairly obvious but you know how that goes. You thought that spot right by the bar was good because it meant easy access to drinks. It’s also everyone elses access to drinks. Not good. Other danger zones? The bathroom (duh…we all have to pee), near the food (ummm, hello. Isn’t that why everyone shows up anyway – free food?) or the dance floor (you shouldn’t be there if you were listening to #3.
5. Don’t puke at the party. I guess this goes without saying, but if you gotta do it, do it up right. At a certain age, socially appropriate vomiting should be perfected. You spent your twenties hurling with great abandon. Trash can in the middle of the party…why not? The street…outside is good right? In your friend’s car…oh well, you weren’t the first and not likely the last. Post 20’s this experience can be traumatic. But should the need arise, be smart. You’ve had lots of practice so make it perfect.

So of course when my holiday party rolled around I had no choice but to disregard all good sense and get hammered. And I danced. And we hung out right by the bathroom. And we two fisted drinks all night long. And we hit two bars afterward. And I think I may have groped one of my co-workers (I don’t think he or his boyfriend minded so we’re safe). I think there is photographic evidence somewhere of me with someone’s tie in my teeth with my co-worker’s wife doing the same.

Now you’re thinking, “What on earth is wrong with you?”. Shut up, I was not alone. My partner in crime took to dancing on the tables which almost got her thrown out of the bar…twice. My husband was the only one with any good sense. He had to get up for his Step 3 prep class at 5 in the morning so he went home early. We rolled in around 3AM-ish.

I spent the next day making nice with a bottle of Advil, took a nap in the afternoon and then went to bed early. The price you pay for drinking over the age of 30. Perhaps my unrealized dream of running for public office may never happen but at least it was a fun party. Happy Holidays!